Is Conan Gay?

It’s on your mind. Whatever your reasons, I won’t judge. I’m just here to answer the question: Is Conan gay?

This isn’t a simple yes or no question. As it turns out, there are quite a few Conans, more than you would expect. Of course, you’re probably asking about one particular Conan. So, I’ll quickly go through some of the more well-known ones. If you’re wondering about Conan Davis from Kansas City, MO, well this post isn’t for you.

Conan O’Brien

This Conan is on a show named Conan, so he’s probably one of the more prominent Conans in the world. That’s why I’ll start with him. That, and we’re also going by order of height.

Conan O'Brien
“Keep cool, my babies”

The former ex-talk show host has been married to a woman since 2002. They have children together. Despite reciprocating calls of affection from male audience members, Conan’s love for men is purely platonic.

Not Gay!

Conan the Barbarian

Next up is Conan the Barbarian. If you’re not familiar with this Conan, just picture a large, half-naked man with long hair who is usually holding a sword.

Conan the Barbarian
Muscles, sword and all of these things

Exactly.

So, is this Conan gay? While he may play with a sword in one hand, he tends to hold topless women with the other.

Conan the Barbarian on a date
Feminism

Furthermore, he’s a barbarian.  According to Plato, homosexuality is a privilege only found in well-functioning democracies.  The idea of homosexuality being allowed in barbarian society would be laughable.  Barbarians aren’t smart enough to have ideas like “tolerance”.

Not Gay!

Conan Edogawa


Finally, this one has to be gay, right?  He’s a wimpy-looking Japanese anime character that yaoi-lovers would fawn over.

Detective Conan
Assuming it’s a guy

Unfortunately, the gayest position he’s ever been in was in high school when he was forced to swallow a poison.  Naturally, that poison turned him into a child.  And as a child, he lives with a female friend of his who he has a major crush on.  He, like, blushes and stuff around her.  If that’s not romance, I don’t know what is.

Not Gay!

Saint Conan

This one is too easy.  He was a priest, and good enough to be promoted to bishop and eventually given sainthood.  Plus, he was stationed on the Isle of Man.

A saint statue
“Not while I’m reading!”

It’s not a great leap of faith to assume this guy’s hanging in the inner circle of the seventh level of Hell.

Gay!
And now it seems like we’ve run completely out of relevant Conans.  So, if I left out the Conan you were curious about, let me know.  This post could easily have a sequel.
  • Anonymous

    “Barbarians aren’t smart enough to have ideas like “tolerance”.”

    You may laugh, but in the Howard stories at least, barbarians were known for their “broad tolerance,” and were less likely to discriminate based on religion or gender than civilized societies, precisely because they hadn’t reached that stage of society which breeds caste, class and prejudice.