It’s on your mind. Whatever your reasons, I won’t judge. I’m just here to answer the question: Is Conan gay?
This isn’t a simple yes or no question. As it turns out, there are quite a few Conans, more than you would expect. Of course, you’re probably asking about one particular Conan. So, I’ll quickly go through some of the more well-known ones. If you’re wondering about Conan Davis from Kansas City, MO, well this post isn’t for you.
This Conan is on a show named Conan, so he’s probably one of the more prominent Conans in the world. That’s why I’ll start with him. That, and we’re also going by order of height.
|“Keep cool, my babies”|
The former ex-talk show host has been married to a woman since 2002. They have children together. Despite reciprocating calls of affection from male audience members, Conan’s love for men is purely platonic.
Conan the Barbarian
Next up is Conan the Barbarian. If you’re not familiar with this Conan, just picture a large, half-naked man with long hair who is usually holding a sword.
|Muscles, sword and all of these things|
So, is this Conan gay? While he may play with a sword in one hand, he tends to hold topless women with the other.
Furthermore, he’s a barbarian. According to Plato, homosexuality is a privilege only found in well-functioning democracies. The idea of homosexuality being allowed in barbarian society would be laughable. Barbarians aren’t smart enough to have ideas like “tolerance”.
Finally, this one has to be gay, right? He’s a wimpy-looking Japanese anime character that yaoi-lovers would fawn over.
|Assuming it’s a guy|
Unfortunately, the gayest position he’s ever been in was in high school when he was forced to swallow a poison. Naturally, that poison turned him into a child. And as a child, he lives with a female friend of his who he has a major crush on. He, like, blushes and stuff around her. If that’s not romance, I don’t know what is.
This one is too easy. He was a priest, and good enough to be promoted to bishop and eventually given sainthood. Plus, he was stationed on the Isle of Man.
|“Not while I’m reading!”|
It’s not a great leap of faith to assume this guy’s hanging in the inner circle of the seventh level of Hell.