Republican Presidential Candidates: The Dealbreakers

Sometimes I wonder why I’m even a Republican. Fortunately, the Democrats continually remind me. However, it just seems like it’s getting more and more difficult to be an admitted member of the GOP. It feels more like the OP at times. A plethora of candidates already grace the national stage, and most are downright appalling. Whatever their merits, they have at least one huge shortcoming that would cause voting for them to weigh heavily on my patriotic soul.

Michele Bachmann is stupid

Michele Bachmann
You know how some people suspected that George W. Bush wasn’t really stupid, but instead it was all an intelligent, though insidious, act to win over the Heartland? Well, with Bachmann it’s not an act. She is an idiot and says idiot things. Yes, she thought John Wayne was from her hometown when it turned out to be John Wayne Gacy. But the mistake isn’t what’s stupid. The stupidity is in thinking that anyone gives a fuck that she’s from the same place as John Wayne. The fact that she’s attempting to win over voters by connecting herself to John Wayne shows me how stupid she is (not to mention her supporters). As I would describe her, that girl has a whole lot of dumb in her eyes.

Newt Gingrich is an ignorant bigot

Newt Gingrich
“I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they’re my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.” I don’t think this needs explaining, unless you’re Newt.

Tim Pawlenty is bloodthirsty


To be fair, he draws the line at fetuses. However, he sought to re-implement the death penalty in his state which had been abolished since 1911. That would be like the Vatican saying today, “You know, what we need is another Inquisition.” The measure failed, but fortunately for Pawlenty we have two (maybe three) wars going on right now. So, to satisfy his blood lust, Pawlenty supports sending more troops to Afghanistan opting for “strategic patience” in war rather than a strategic timeline.

Rick Santorum is disgusting

Rick Santorum
I’m not going to link to his website. I’m sure you can Google it. The first thing you see…Glenn Beck. But okay, that’s disgusting by association, and it isn’t fair, right? If you click past the Glenn Beck splash page, you’ll get to his website. Here you can see that his warmongering doesn’t stop at Muslims abroad, but it also extends to homosexuals here. Santorum has long had a messy relationship with the homosexual community. He’s equated gay sex to everything from bestiality to incest. Unfortunately, this isn’t just ignorance. If anyone knows gay sex, it would be Santorum. This is downright hatred.

Jon Huntsman is creepy

Jon Huntsman
Don’t let the high school dropout fool you. He’s a strange, strange man. I’m not just saying this because of his enigmatic campaign ad. All you have to do is check out his website. This doesn’t seem like the website of someone who’s running for President of the US so much as someone who’s starting his own cult. Since he’s already a Mormon, I’m guessing that isn’t the case. However, rather than talking about issues, he talks about Jon Huntsman and Jon Huntsman’s family. Just watch any video on his site and tell me you aren’t creeped out. It’s like he really wants us to believe he’s human, which I would have assumed was the case had he not tried so hard to convince us.

Ron Paul is a nut

Ron Paul
Granted, he’s one of the sanest men in politics today. However, he holds strongly to his religious views. So much so that he’s spouted the party line BS about the “Secular Left” trying to undermine America’s founding values. As a man so well-versed on the content and history of our Constitution, it baffles me how he can let this personal belief warp his view. I also suspect that it’s his religious convictions and not his medical insight that has brought him down on the side of Pro-Life. I have to be a bit wary of a so-called Libertarian who’s admittedly anti-choice. If “Because God” is enough reason to take away one right, then what is really protecting the rest?

Jimmy McMillan is a Democrat

"Jimmy McMillan"
While, yes, I realize that the rent is indeed too damn high, I feel there are more practical ways of dealing with this issue than being a karate expert. While I certainly appreciate this candidate’s candor, it’s unfortunate that he isn’t challenging Obama in the primary. Would he lose? Definitely. Is he going to lose the GOP nomination? Definitely. But at least if he’d have stood up to Obama, he could have shown some real conviction.

Tom Miller is a flight attendant

Tom Miller
This is no jab at flight attendants. Let’s be honest, though. If we ignore him when he’s telling us how we can save our lives in the event of a plane crash, what makes anyone think he could lead a country? The truth is if we want someone with no political experience, we’d re-elect Obama. At least he’ll have four years of applicable experience by then. If he wants to be taken seriously, he should try running for Chief Purser first. Also, if he expects to get the all-important flight attendant vote, he might want to rethink his position against gay marriage.

Mitt Romney values his wife’s life less than theoretical life

Mitt Romney
I could insert a polygamy joke, perhaps. But let’s get straight into it. Mitt Romney has said, “I have a deep concern about curing disease. I have a wife that has a serious disease that could be affected by stem cell research and others. But I will not create new embryos through cloning or through embryo farming, because that will be creating life for the purpose of destroying it.” I was absolutely heartbroken by that quote. Really, Romney? If you had to choose between your wife and a multicellular diploid eukaryote, you’d go with the multicellular diploid eukaryote? Emotions aside, he’s standing in the way of scientific progress. And that progress is needed, if not for Romney’s wife, then for other, truly loved ones.

Vern Wuensche is a Nazi

Vern Wuensche
If the name doesn’t give it away, then his views on social issues definitely do. On this candidate’s god-awful website he lists them in quick succession: Ban Abortion, Ban same sex marriage, Ban gay adoption, Prevent descration (sic) of the American flag, Adopt American English as our official language. I wonder what the penalty for descrating our official language would be?

Andy Martin is an attention whore

And he’s not getting any from me.

Fred Karger has Reagan inside him

Fred Karger
To be honest, it’s difficult to find anything negative to say about this candidate. In the Republican world, that means he has no shot in Hell of winning. I think he’s okay with that, and he’s most likely running to raise awareness about gay rights and tolerance within the Republican party, which is definitely needed. However, it is disheartening to see him pander to the base using the Reagan card. I suspect, though, in his case it’s more than a card. He’s a fellow actor from California and not only knew Reagan personally, but supposedly was an integral part to his election efforts. But if he wants to change the Republican party, he’ll have to do better than spouting Reagan love. However much affection he had for the late president, he should put it behind him, and he could have a shot at the VP spot.

Gary Johnson is a broken record

Gary Johnson
He says the same thing over and over. “43%” of everything he says is a “cost/benefit analysis” cooked up in “50 laboratories of innovation/best practices”. At least what he repeats non-stop makes sense. But from a candidate who is more of an Iron Man than a politician, I would expect less scripted responses. Of course, like many of the candidates, nobody has heard a word they’ve said. So, in 2012 the public won’t notice he only speaks in reposts.

Herman Cain is illiterate

Herman Cain
While I agree in spirit that laws need to be simplified, this man is perhaps a bit too simple. If every issue was black and white, then sure, three pages is an easy maximum. His simplistic worldview, one that could fit on under three pages, includes an intolerance of homosexuals and the belief that Jesus founded America.

Sarah Palin is….who?

  • Vern

    Thanks for your noticing a misspelling in my list of issues.  I will correct it. I might point out a misspelling in your comment.  The word God should be capitalized.

    Vern Wuensche 

    • Not sure if you’re the real Vern. The IP location matches up, but it is strange you’d ignore the much harsher criticism of fascism.  If you do correct the misspelling, then I’m glad to have helped.  On a related note, your website sucks. It is  “god awful”, as I said.  And “god” doesn’t need to be capitalized as I’m not referring to the god that many people call God by name.  If you won’t reverse your bigoted stance on social issues, then at least make a modern-looking website.

  • Dan Carvajal

    There is plenty of debate withing the broad spectrum of libertarians on the issue of abortion. I have no religion that I know of but I don’t consider myself pro-choice.

  • Armybmed

    The republican are now run by people who are truly insane, they need to get off the crack and the pipe and get some help along with those losers from the teaparty

  • Scott

    I’m not sure why you’re soo afraid of someone who has strong religious beliefs. Many of our Founding Fathers held strong beliefs and congressional documents used wording such as “Almighty God” “Steadfast prayer” “Jesus” “Holy Spirit”.  It is said that when the Pilgrims landed here they said this land was blessed and given by God, maybe that is what Herman Cain was referring to.
    Ron Paul, I must keep missing him mentioning is strong religious views but if he does so what? Its not unlike many of our other past leaders. Ron Paul also seems to be the only person who wants to follow the Constitution to the letter

    • It’s not so much that they believe, but what beliefs that believing causes them to have.  In Ron Paul’s case, it’s anti-choice.  And yes, I think he’s handled his personal beliefs well, but it can still be cause for concern.  If he were in state government, for example, how would he rule on an abortion issue then?

      Herman Cain has a distorted view of history and is a bigot.  Rick Santorum, Vern Wuensche and several others are also bigots.  I don’t care that they believe Jesus is God, but I do care about them denying rights to homosexuals and others, whether it’s based on their religious beliefs or not. 

  • Marcos Gonzalez

    Is not a matter of faith, Religous ignorance , o to be a Jesus freak. Unless for a  few exceptions people should take responsibility for their lives and if your actions result in you becoming pregnant with a new life growing inside you. Sorry, It´s still is a human being with rights. All the republican candidates are disgusting political creatures, but Ron Paul is not a political animal , he got to congress for the right reasons and he has a record of integrity for over 30 years

  • Bettered

    Interestingly, Bill Gates was a high school dropout.

  • Justinr93

    ron paul is the sanest man in washington how does believing in god make him a nut? im an atheist and i support him because hes the only candidate that wants to end all the wars we started

  • GraceShreve

    Ha!  This is awesome, and so very true…