Breaking Dawn: Part 2 is now out in theatres. Having never seen any Twilight movies or read any of the books, I thought it might finally be time to see what all the hoopla is about. With over $2 billion in combined global box office, how bad could it be? People somewhere seem to like this thing. Granted, I’ve never personally heard of anyone saying they enjoyed it, but somebody must be buying tickets.
I started off my Saturday with the first movie of the saga. The production quality certainly didn’t say “blockbuster”, but I figured the budget would have likely increased after the success of this first one. Unfortunately, there never seemed to come a point to the story. And once I was already in, I kept holding out for some kind of payoff. Ultimately, Twilight is about nothing. It’s just some vacant people doing meaningless things until nothing happens and the credits finally roll.
Everyone I know already knew how terrible Twilight is without ever having seen it. So, how does a film series like this make money? How is it that so many people know to avoid it, know how incredibly dull and pointless it is without ever watching it? And without these people watching it and telling others how horrible it is, where is it making all this money from? Somebody out there likes it, so maybe they can explain some things for me. Here are my beefs with the saga:
(Spoilers below!)
The supporting characters are more interesting than the main characters
I’ll start with one nice thing. If there is anything redeeming about this series, it’s that the story going on around these whiny, one-dimensional characters is a bit interesting. If the series didn’t revolve around Bella, Edward and Jacob, it could probably be entertaining. The Volturi make great villains. The Cullen Clan seems to have interesting backstories. Even Charlie Swan, played by the amazing Billy Burke, has a unique personality and a life going on that the camera doesn’t allow us to see enough of.
I found myself wanting to know more about everyone else, and perhaps this was a big reason for my disappointment. I kept watching hoping more of the side characters would be fleshed out. What’s with the wheelchair Indian? He seems like he knows what’s up, but he just rolls around doing a lot of nothing. Even Bella’s high school buddies, who have nothing to do with the supernatural, are more dimensional than the main three characters. I was particularly impressed with a great graduation speech given by Anna Kendrick’s character. It left me wondering how someone could write such a beautifully thoughtful speech, but not think to give the main characters anything insightful going on in their minds.
This is probably why Twilight fan fiction is so popular.
Why does Bella love Edward?
This really bothers me. I know I’m going to sound like a member of Team Jacob here, and in a way I am, but what does Bella see in Edward? At least they explained that Edward loves Bella because she smells nice and he believes her blood to be a delicacy. What’s Bella’s excuse?
From the minute they first see each other, it’s love. She’s particularly obsessed, even though his first impression is horrible. He looks like he’s going to vomit when they “meet” in science class. Then, after a two day hiatus, he returns all charming and whatnot. Okay, well not all that charming, but he’s stopped vomiting.
The only possible reason for Bella to love Edward is that he saved her life. It makes sense as a reason to get to know him. “Oh, hey, you have superhuman strength and you’re mysterious. I want to know more.” But before she ever knew more she was already smitten. What’s worse is that there was never any knowing more, by either of them! I bet he doesn’t know her favorite color. I bet she doesn’t know how he takes his blood in the mornings. They did manage to throw in a scene of them finally talking to each other, after they realized sex and making out wasn’t an option because of Edward’s thirst for sucking her dry. This conversation was done as a silent montage of them sitting next to each other. Exciting!
When romance blossoms on screen, it’s done intellectually. It’s in what they say to each other. This romance between Bella and Edward was painfully superficial. First, the only reason to love each other is because of their scent and physical attraction. They know nothing else about each other. Second, when they finally do talk on screen, it’s just to say how much they want each other and love each other. Where’s the substance?
Aladdin showed Jasmine a whole new world, and he had a monkey. Edward just runs around the forest really fast and talks about how he can’t be with Bella without murdering her.
Team Jacob
I have to say that it’s a red flag when Taylor Lautner’s character has the most personality. This is a guy whose only talent is not wearing a shirt. Still, he manages to pull it off (the role, not his shirt). Unlike Edward, there are real reasons for Bella to love Jacob. They were childhood friends. He cares for her, while actually knowing stuff about her. He comes off as a genuine human being. Even Bella seems almost human in New Moon. When she’s not hallucinating about Edward during adrenaline rushes, she seems to be having a nice time hanging out with a good friend, Jacob. What’s more romantic than having sex with your best friend?
So, it’s really a let down that she has to hook up with Edward given that the movies made no effort to explain why anything would love him. Jacob seemed like the obvious choice, if Bella were more complex than “Vampire. Must sex it.” Then, in order to pull themselves out of the predicament of making Jacob the loser, he comes to “imprint” on Bella’s daughter. See, everyone? Jacob found true love! Now all you Jacob fans can put down your pitchforks.
Great. You made him a pedophile. Thank you so much for that!
Bella
After Breaking Dawn: Part 2 ended today in the theatre where I watched it, the credits showed each and every characters throughout the series. Jacob got applause. Edward came next and one person clapped. Finally, “Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan”. Silence. Then, laughter when everyone realized that nobody in attendance likes this character.
She’s the star! The theatre was packed, and surely not just with people like me who only recently became acquainted with Twilight. Those were Twilight fans in the seats! And they absolutely hate Bella Swan. That blew my mind. How do you like a series when you hate the main character? Maybe the actress’s recent infidelities had an affect on her popularity, but that was with Robert Pattinson (Edward Cullen), the second most hated person in the Twilight series.
The character is horrible. She has no motivation other than wanting to have sex with Edward and sometimes Jacob. Kristen Stewart does a great job of playing her, though. The always open mouth occasionally seems like a passionate longing, like she wants to just start licking all the men around her. The character of Bella bounces around between being boringly apathetic and sexually frustrated to an endless degree. Kristen Stewart somehow manages to play those parts perfectly. They must be in her wheelhouse. The few times Bella had to act like a normal human have been way awkward. The most recent film opens with Bella yelling at Jacob after finding out he imprinted on her newborn daughter. You’d think it was Stewart’s first time yelling at something. Of course the dialogue probably doesn’t help.
Horrible dialogue and pointless narration
“You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?”
There have been some hilarious one-liners in this saga. Unfortunately it’s not supposed to be a comedy. I was under the impression it was a romance story, but since there’s no sex until the end of the third film, I don’t know what genre this falls under.
Most of the “romantic” dialogue is way too cheesy, due to the superficial nature of the romance. It’s basically things like, “You’re my life now” and “I’d rather die than live without you.” This dialogue might work if it were used sparingly and the romance had a reason to exist. But two hours of people pouring their hearts out in such over-dramatic lines just makes them sound like middle schoolers willing to say anything to get laid.
The narration is also rather annoying. I suppose exposition is necessary, but they also try to use the narration to set a mood. They fail at that, unless the mood they’re going for is annoyance. There’s a great scene after Bella first meets Edward in which she dreams of him. It’s probably one of those dreams, but the PG-13 rating doesn’t allow for clarity. After the dream, Bella via voice over says, “That was the first time I dreamt of Edward Cullen.” Wow. It’s like she’s watching the same movie we are.
How does Alice read Bella’s future?
One of the major plot points throughout the saga was that Bella is immune to vampire abilities. Edward can’t read her mind. Jane can’t inflict pain on her. That creepy villain guy can’t see her memories. Yet so much of the story rides on Alice being able to see Bella’s future on more than one occasion. How is this possible?
Then, Jasper uses his ability on Bella too. He has the power to change people’s moods. I think he used it on Bella. It was hard to tell because her happy looks a lot like her sad. However, the dialogue was something like, “Jasper, no fair with the mood control thing!” Oh, Jasper!
So, what the Hell? Don’t tell me that she can turn it off or that it’s not always working. She never intended to have it on and yet resisted vampire powers. So, it’s clearly a passive ability. And she didn’t learn to turn it off until the end of the saga when she lets Edward read her mind.
Nobody Dies
Remember how the side characters are actually kind of awesome? Well, it seems like some of them should have been killed off. There’s simply no danger, no risk. Here I am watching these simple people trapped in their superficial love triangle while some epic supernatural showdowns happen all around them. Ooh, scary!
Well, nobody dies. I was waiting for Carlisle to die, since he seemed like the obvious choice. He’s the fatherly wizard figure, like an Obi-Wan or something. His death would have let us, and the characters, know that this stuff is serious. But no, apparently nothing in this movie is serious.
Until the part where Carlisle dies! In Breaking Dawn: Part 2, the scene is set for a final showdown between good and evil. Aw, yeah! Carlisle charges forth and the creepy villain guy rips his head off in a very dramatic fashion. Finally, after nine hours, this started to feel like a real movie. The battle ensued. It was an amazing battle and more people died. The audience cheered and cried and booed. Twilight finally did something right.
Then, they took it all back. “Just kidding,” the narration might have said. It was all just a glimpse of the future thanks to Alice’s ability for the benefit of the creepy villain guy. Now that he saw his fate as a roasted, disembodied head, it was time to go home. He decided against fighting and they left.
Yes, they left. That was the climax to the film! They pull the rug out from under the audience, and the villains just casually walk away, or because they’re vampires blurrily run away.
Conclusion
So, I have no idea what all this was supposed to be. Hour upon hour of nothing happening. Is there a point? Is there some kind of philosophical question being asked by this story? I don’t think so. It really feels like the creators had absolutely nothing to say. So, why’d they make the movies?
There were some vampires. There were some werewolves. Nobody died. A couple fell in love for no reason and had a kid. Some bad guys came over to say hi to the kid. Was that a story that needed to be told?
I don’t get it.